Teenagers don’t read this blog, so I sit here trying to figure out how to share something I wish more of them understood.
Whatever difficulties they may be facing in high school are temporary. The friendships that change, the groups they don’t fit into, the moments they feel left out, and the people who make them question their worth do not define the rest of their lives.
There is so much life waiting for them beyond those hallways.
But you know who does read this blog?
The parents.
Specifically, the moms.
If you know me, you know I’m generally not one to rock the boat. I believe in approaching difficult situations with grace, understanding, and a little perspective.
But every now and then, the redhead in me makes an appearance.
And there is something I think we need to talk about.
Not because of one particular situation, one group of girls, or one school. But because there seems to be a growing culture surrounding teenage friendships, social expectations, and exclusion that deserves our attention.
Our teenage girls are growing up in a world very different from the one we knew.
Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and other mental health struggles are serious concerns among adolescents. Some teenagers are struggling to the point of needing therapy, changing schools, or engaging in self-harm. Tragically, suicide is also a reality we cannot ignore.
These issues are complex, and there is no single explanation for them. But the pressures surrounding friendships, social media, acceptance, and belonging are certainly worth discussing.
And perhaps, as parents, we need to take a closer look at the role we play.
So, let’s talk about it.
When Did Growing Up Become So Complicated?
Group photos. Organized get-ready parties. Matching and coordinated outfits. Elaborate celebrations. All the glitz and glamour.
And, of course, every beautiful moment shared across social media.
(Note: Technology and the constant highlight reel our children see every day is an entirely separate conversation. But I digress.)
All of that sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
And for the most part, it is.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating our children, creating memories, or organizing a special evening with their friends.
But there is another side to these experiences that we don’t always see in the pictures.
The girl getting ready alone.
The girl who thought she was part of a group but somehow didn’t know about the plans.
The girl whose messages went unanswered.
The girl who opens her phone and sees everyone together, wondering whether she was forgotten or intentionally left out.
Now, let me be very clear.
Not every girl who wasn’t invited was intentionally excluded.
Not everyone can be invited to everything, nor should they be expected to be. Friendships naturally form different circles. Plans come together, groups overlap, and sometimes people simply aren’t included.
That’s life. And learning to navigate those disappointments is part of growing up.
But sometimes, the exclusion is intentional.
And that’s where the conversation needs to begin.
There is a difference between not being included and being intentionally excluded.
One is an inevitable part of life.
The other is a choice.
What Happened to Being a Friend?
Think about the girls who notice someone is missing.
The ones who send a message and say, “Hey, come. Don’t be alone.”
The ones who make room for someone without being asked.
Those are the friendships worth encouraging.
Friendship doesn’t mean including everyone in every single thing. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your own friendships or feeling obligated to invite someone you aren’t close to.
But it should mean treating people with kindness.
It should mean having enough consideration for someone else’s feelings that you don’t deliberately make them feel invisible.
And it certainly shouldn’t involve making someone believe they’re included when they aren’t.
The concern isn’t about the parties, pictures, or celebrations.
It’s about the stories that sometimes exist on the other side of them.
The hurt feelings. The broken friendships. The girls questioning what they did wrong.
And the fact that sometimes, the people causing that hurt are the very ones they thought were their friends.
And Moms, We Need to Talk.
Here’s a thought that might help put some of this into perspective.
Maybe we could stop treating every grade and every school event like it’s the flipping prom or engagement proposal.
There. I said it.
Now, before anyone gets upset, hear me out.
I love a good celebration. I love beautiful pictures, special memories, and watching our children enjoy these fleeting years.
And I know that many of these gatherings are organized with nothing but good intentions.
This is not an attack on the moms who open their homes, plan parties, coordinate pictures, or go out of their way to make an evening special.
But somewhere along the way, I wonder if we’ve made some of these experiences so elaborate that we’ve lost sight of what they’re supposed to be about.
Our children.
Their friendships.
Their memories.
And maybe, just maybe, we could spend a little less time worrying about how everything looks and a little more time asking how everyone is treating one another.
Not because we can control every friendship.
Not because we should force invitations.
And certainly not because every child needs to be included in every gathering.
But because we are still the parents.
We are still the ones teaching our children how to treat people.
And sometimes that teaching can be as simple as asking a question.
“Have you thought about how that might make her feel?”
“Does everyone in your friend group know about the plans?”
“Are you leaving someone out intentionally?”
Sometimes those questions will reveal nothing more than normal teenage friendship dynamics.
But sometimes, they might reveal something worth addressing.
And wouldn’t we rather have those conversations now than find out later that our children were participating in behavior that caused someone else genuine pain?
The Social Media Side of It All
And then there’s social media.
Oh, social media.
I could write an entirely separate post about what I believe it’s doing to our children.
Because when I was in high school, we certainly had our share of friendship drama. Girls were left out. Feelings were hurt. Friendships changed.
None of that is new.
But what we didn’t have was a constant, real-time reminder of every gathering we weren’t invited to.
We didn’t open an app and see dozens of pictures documenting an evening we weren’t part of.
We didn’t have the ability to revisit those feelings every time someone posted another photo, tagged another friend, or shared another video.
Today, our children do.
And while I am certainly not suggesting that parents stop sharing pictures or celebrating their children, I do think we could all benefit from being a little more mindful.
Because what is a beautiful memory for one child may be a painful reminder for another.
That doesn’t mean we stop living, celebrating, or sharing.
It simply means remembering that there are real people, with real feelings, on the other side of those screens.
The Part I Hope We Remember
Here’s what I keep coming back to.
We spend so much time teaching our children to be successful.
To make good grades. To participate in activities. To work hard. To achieve things.
We celebrate their accomplishments, their awards, their friendships, and their milestones.
And we should.
But are we placing that same emphasis on teaching them to be good people?
To be considerate.
To be compassionate.
To recognize when their actions might hurt someone else.
To have the courage to be kind, even when kindness isn’t necessarily the popular choice.
I don’t expect teenage girls to navigate every friendship perfectly. God knows we didn’t.
They’re growing up. They’re learning. They’re going to make mistakes, hurt feelings, and sometimes make decisions they regret.
But that’s exactly why they still need us.
Not to manage their friendships.
Not to fight their battles.
Not to insist that everyone be included.
But to guide them.
To remind them that the way they treat others matters just as much as the way others treat them.
And to teach them that being a good friend sometimes requires doing what’s right, even when no one is watching.
Because at the end of the day, we cannot control every friendship our daughters have, but we can influence the kind of friend our daughters become.
And if, by some chance, a teenage girl does find herself reading this, I want her to know something.
That group of girls does not determine your worth.
That unanswered message does not define you.
That picture you weren’t in does not mean you aren’t important.
And the people who make you question your value today will not determine the life you build tomorrow.
High school is a chapter.
It is not your entire story.
And to the moms reading this, myself included, maybe we can all pay a little more attention.
Not just to who our daughters are friends with.
But to who our daughters are becoming as friends.
Because raising girls who are kind to other girls might just be one of the most important things we ever do.
All the best, even in a rant.
~ Stace
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