There are days I really wish someone had sat me down and told me just how hard some of this was going to be.
Every situation is different, and there really isn’t anyone out there coaching women on how to step into a family as this added-on, extra person and navigate the waters that come with it.
And oh, the waters.
Some experience calm, smooth, glassy waters. Others get hit with a full-blown tsunami. And plenty of us land somewhere in between, depending on the day.
Looking back, these are the things I wish someone would have told me. Maybe some people did, but no one ever put it all together.
So, if I could go back and talk to the woman I was before becoming a stepmom, this is what I would tell her.
1. Date for a long time, especially when small children are involved.
Give everyone time. Give the kids time to get used to you. Give yourself time to understand the family dynamic you’re stepping into. Give the other biological parent time to adjust too.
When children are involved, you aren’t just dating one person. There are a lot of lives affected by what happens next.
2. When you marry, don’t immediately try to force everyone into one perfectly blended family.
You don’t have to wake up after the wedding and suddenly function as one seamless family.
If you’re both bringing children into the marriage, keep parenting your children and allow your spouse to parent theirs. Slowly create new routines and traditions together.
Make space for transition. Blending takes time.
3. Respect, trust and love are deserved by everyone, but they also have to be earned.
A marriage certificate doesn’t automatically create relationships.
Basic respect should exist within your home, but trust and love develop over time. Let those relationships grow naturally instead of trying to force them.
4. No matter what you do, someone will have an opinion.
It may be the other parent, someone inside your home, extended family or someone who has absolutely no idea what happens behind your closed doors.
Someone will think you’re doing too much. Someone else will think you’re not doing enough.
You cannot build your life around everyone’s opinion of how you should fill a role they aren’t living.
5. You have the right to set boundaries for yourself and within your home.
Being a stepparent does not mean giving everyone unlimited access to your time, energy, privacy or peace.
You are allowed to decide what you will participate in and what you won’t.
Boundaries aren’t punishment. Sometimes they’re simply how you keep a complicated family dynamic healthy.
6. Do not take on responsibilities that do not belong to you.
Some things are now yours to own. You joined a family and share a home. Naturally, responsibilities come with that.
But not everything is yours.
It’s easy to jump in and help with everything, only to realize later that the things you volunteered to help with have quietly become things you’re expected to handle.
Learn the difference between supporting your spouse and taking over responsibilities that belong to your spouse.
Help because you want to help, not because you’ve somehow become responsible for keeping everything together.
7. There will be times when you feel like you have no control and are simply stuck in the middle.
There will be decisions that affect your home that you didn’t make. Schedules you didn’t create. Conflict you didn’t start. Circumstances you cannot fix.
Over time, you learn what belongs to you, what doesn’t, and where your energy is actually useful.
8. Make time for yourself and stay true to who you are.
It is easy to become consumed with being a good wife, mom and stepmom while trying to keep everyone happy and make the family work.
Don’t disappear in the process.
Keep your friendships, interests, goals and the things that make you you.
You were a whole person before you became a stepmom. Stay one.
9. Your husband isn’t going to completely understand your experience.
Men and women are different. God made us to function differently, and your husband may not experience the family dynamic the same way you do.
Something that weighs heavily on you may barely register for him. Something you replay in your head for three days may get an, “I don’t think they meant anything by it.”
He doesn’t have to experience things exactly as you do to listen and support you. Sometimes simply accepting that you experience the same family differently can save you both a lot of frustration.
And let me make one thing very clear.
I love my family.
I love the family we have built and the people who make it ours. None of this changes that.
But love doesn’t make transition easy.
Blending can be difficult for everyone. The kids are adjusting. Biological parents are adjusting. Spouses are learning how to parent alongside one another. Stepparents are trying to figure out where they fit.
There can be an incredible amount of love in a family and still be growing pains. Both can be true.
I don’t share these things because I regret becoming a stepmom. I share them because I wish more women knew that something filled with so much love can also be really hard sometimes.
And maybe that’s the biggest thing…
You do not have to have all of this figured out.
You’re going to get some things right. You’re going to get some things wrong. You’ll probably look back and wish you had handled a few things differently. I know I do.
Blending a family isn’t something you master overnight. You learn it as you live it.
Give the kids grace.
Give your husband grace.
Give the other parent grace when you can.
And for goodness’ sake, give yourself some too.
You’re learning how to do something that didn’t come with instructions.
Good luck out there.
God bless, friends.
~ Stace
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