With the amount of children in our blended family and the span of time, I am going to share all that we have learned and also shed light on the abundance amount of options.
Visitation standards set by our state have progressed by leaps and volumes in the past 20+ years, but even with their being a standard visitation schedule, there are other options. I promise you that I feel like we have experimented with majority of the options over the years, and no matter what, one thing still remains. NO ONE SIZE FITS ALL. So much depends on the children and their ages.
Before I break down some visitation options, I wanted to share a key point that I learned along the way. Disclaimer, I am not a therapist or a lawyer. I am simply sharing my personal experiences back with some paralegal knowledge in family law.
My daughter was very young when her Dad and I divorced. She was an only child and all we knew to do at first was go by the standard court order, which in many cases is a great option (will expand on this later on). However, as she began to process and grow, therapy came into play for everyone. (Circle back to the Nitty Gritty post). The first thing that I learned about children in a divorce/coparenting situation is (THIS IS IMPORTANT!) that children, depending on their age, require different amounts of transition time when transitioning between parents homes. For example, a younger child (ages 2-5) may require up to 24 hours of transition time before settling comfortably into the other parents home. The older the child gets, the less transition time is needed. Knowing this was a game changer and I can personally attest that I can see this being 100% true. I have witnessed it with my daughter through the years, as well as my stepchildren.
NOW, that the number one basic need to know is out there, let’s get into all the visitation schedule options.
Standard Every Other Weekend – This “standard” will vary from state to state, but in general it is the same concept. Every other weekend, split holidays, with different variations in summer options. Personally, from what I have seen, for parents that are local in close proximity, this is a more dinosaur approach. However, this schedule may be perfect for parents who live hours apart making it hard to transport kids to and from school, etc. Often when that happens, you will see longer stretches in summer with the every other weekend parent.
Week on/Week Off – This schedule is growing in popularity, but often met with resistance when younger children are involved. Trust me, I know from experience. As a mom, it is hard to imagine your young child being away from you for a seven day period. Often with the week on/week off visitation schedule, you will see a mid week overnight with the other parent, which greatly helps break that up. For example, if the week on/week off is Sunday, there is usually a Wednesday night with the other parent whether that be dinner, afterschool to evening, or overnight. I know a few people with this schedule and once settled in, everyone loves it, the kids included.
3-4-4-3 – (3 days Parent A. 4 days Parent B. 4 days Parent A. 3 days Parent B.)
This is a well balanced blend of 50/50. Time is split equally, but without the long stretches of the week on/week off. Teetering close to chaos, but not quite as chaotic as the next one. LOL! Like the following, I personally think this would be too much for a very young child, but older kids would probably like it.
2-2-3 – (2 days Parent A. 2 days Parent B. 3 days Parent A. Then Switch. 2 days Parent B. 2 days Parent A. 3 days Parent B.)
I think the description alone speaks for itself. Across the board, this by far the least favorite in our house. If you think the description alone sounds chaotic to you, think about the kids. Not to mention it was extremely hard for the grandparents to keep track of as well. As a kid who grew up with two homes, I could not imagine living this. I could see how an older child (middle school and older) could benefit, but for a young child I personally think this is beyond disruptive. Think about it, if a therapist says it takes a small child 24 hours to adjust to transition, and you are on this schedule, that means that the child is only settled for ONE DAY before switching again. Ugh, no thank you, but again, personal opinion here.
Build Your Own – Yep, I said it. Build your own. Now, to make this happen, you are going to have a good communicating relationship because building your own, is going to take some tweaking at times and as the kids grow up. Honestly, we built our own and we still have to tweak at times. I am going to break out in Part 2 some examples of how to build your own schedule.
None of the above descriptions breakout holidays, which are almost always split and/or alternated, which I will also break out in part 2.
For someone who is trying to determine which visitation schedule is best for you and your kids, my biggest advice would be as follows:
- Assess the relationship with the other parent. Is it going to be easy to communicate, or is it always going to be a fight? If it is high conflict, button those papers up with every single minute detail in the very beginning.
- Focus on the child/children. Consider their ages and developmental stages.
- If coparenting counseling is not mandatory or your divorce is amicable without the need of a long court battle, consider consulting a therapist who can weigh in.
Stay tuned for Part 2 where I will break out holidays, summer, sports, and all the things in between. Feel free to reach out with any specific topic or question. Until then, all the best.
~ Stace
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