As a spin off from my previous post about coparenting, let’s talk about blended family schedules. Let me share a glimpse of our reality because it can get messy, and exhausting. So you don’t get confused in an already naturally confusing situation, I will try my best to simplify. Wish me luck, lol!
For the blended family, where both parents have been divorced and bring children into their marriage, it is likely that the following parties are involved: Parents of the house, the Wife’s ex-spouse; and the Husband’s ex-spouse. WAIT… it doesn’t stop there. Both ex-spouses are remarried and their spouses have also been divorced, and they too are in a blended family situation. So now, you are left trying to align your home, with their home, so all of the kids are on the same schedule, same weekend, same holidays…. INSERT SCREAM OR CRY HERE.
This is where it can get daunting. Now, if everyone’s court orders align and all kids are on the same schedule, and all parties go by that said court order, CONGRATULATIONS! You have hit the jack pot and this post isn’t for you. However, if you are like many of us and you continually find yourself in a sea of scheduling chaos… WELCOME. Let me share some personal experiences.
For starters, let me say this… growing up in a divorced home, going back and forth, always switching on holidays, will change how you parent your kids and manage their schedules when you find yourself in this situation. Personally, I hated Christmas as a kid. HATED it. Always switching on Christmas Day, never getting to stay and enjoy my gifts before darting off, left me feeling very alone. I always took that into consideration when making plans and scheduling my daughter’s time because I never wanted her to feel that way. I still don’t; and I don’t want it for my stepchildren. However, so much of that is out of my control as it relates to all families because there are so many moving parts.
For 10+ years I have made blank calendars with pink days being mom days, and blue days being dad days. Because if there is anything that I have discovered from living it and parenting through it, kids of all ages want to know what is going on. They want to know their plans and they want to know where they are going to be. If I couldn’t control the outcome, I could at the very least try to set them up for success so that can have some structure in knowing when they are coming, and when they are going. Being a kid in this situation is hard.
I know I said it in my previous post, but my daughter’s dad, stepmom and I work extremely well together when it comes to scheduling, but it didn’t just happen over night. There are lots of moving parts and even still to this day sometimes we all have a moment of anxiety and the feeling of “what are we going to to do?” Because as I previously mentioned… lots of houses and lots of moving parts we are trying to keep in alignment. If there is one slip, one mishap, one change in custody, or one change in a custodial schedule, it feels like the house is going to FALL DOWN. That is no lie. If you are the one person in your house trying to manage this and put all the pieces together, like myself, it is an extremely exhausting task at which you find yourself spending hours reviewing and adjusting.
2025 was a horrible year in the “coparenting” scheduling department. As mentioned in my Forgiveness Study post, this past year started off with a bang and the ball just kept rolling. Somehow or another by the time summer hit, our kids were on opposite schedules, there was no family vacation with all kids, and here we are at Christmas and {no lie} cried myself to sleep last night on 12/21 because we only have had all kids together for 6 days the entire month of December. This has left us two days only to jam pack all of our family Christmas events, but also leaves the kids on opposite schedules for the remainder of the year. If you haven’t experienced this you may be asking “how does that happen?” If you have experienced this, then you already know. Again, so many moving parts…. if one coparenting relationship sticks to court ordered papers, and the other coparenting relationship requires deviation or opposite… yep… you guessed it.. HOUSE IS FALLING DOWN.
SO… what do you do? First, BREATHE. Second, PAUSE. It is so easy to get emotional in these situations (expert here), but once you extract the emotion, you will see that everyone is just trying to get their house in alignment, just as you are. I can guarantee you that 99.99% of the time there is no hidden agenda. If you have to walk away, walk away. Put down the phone. Unless it is an emergency situation, it most likely does not require an immediate response.
Once emotions of the situation have been extracted, REFOCUS. It’s about the kids. When schedules are going haywire, on the side where are parties are working well together and having communication, we go to the kid. COMMUNICATE. “What do you want to do?” Because, it is about the kids, and their health and happiness. If whatever the kid wants is doable and equitable, we make it happen. My daughter’s stepmom and I always say, “we will figure it out.” We literally walk into every scheduling hiccup with “we will figure it out.” There is also a vast amount of mutual respect and understanding there because I know that she is trying to manage her children’s schedules with her former spouse.
Now, before someone passes mass amounts of judgment, I am not saying let your kid make all the decisions. You are the parent. However including them in conversations about their schedules, and genuinely caring and considering their response, sets up a foundation and respect that will carry on into their adult life. It is also teaching them communication. What the kid wants may not be feasible, but at least you are having conversations. If I am being honest, my daughter has not been happy with how our Christmas schedule has worked out this year and has already said, multiple times, “can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?” My response, absolutely, “we will figure it out.” My hope is that at the end of the day, while the schedule may stink and not be what she wants it to be, she sees all of her parents are trying. It also teaches them that sometimes adjustments have to be made and we can’t always have everything the way would like.
The backside of divorce, coparenting, and blended families can get messy, especially when it comes to scheduling. While the court papers are there, there is no guarantee those will always be a standard to go by (a whole different topic). So, if it feels like your house is falling down due to schedules… remember these steps:
- Breathe
- Pause
- Refocus
- Communicate
It is not always going to be easy. Kids may be on opposite schedules at times. You may… no you will… have some emotion and add a few gray hairs, but at the end of the day… How does your kid feel? How do you and your spouse feel? How disruptive is the change going to be? How many people outside of your home does it effect? Is there anything you can do about it anyway?
Happy scheduling. May you keep your sanity.
~ Stace
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