Here we go! This topic alone is a sensitive one. Everywhere you turn on social media someone has something to say, whether you are the bio parent, the stepparent or both. Being a child of divorce, divorced, a mom, a stepmom, and a former paralegal in domestic relations for 10+ years, I have some advice to share. So, let’s jump right in.
THE DIVORCE
Jack and Jill went up the hill; Jack and Jill get married; Jack and Jill have babies; Jack and Jill get divorced. Before Jack and Jill can begin a healthy coparenting relationship, some fundamental things must happen to set their future up for success. FIRST, both must settle in the divorce, realize all the things that come with it, and fully understand what “divorce” means. Trust me, when I say all of the things I say, I speak from both personal and professional experience. When two parties make the decision to divorce, the ties that bind them are broken. There is no more emotional commitment to the other and they must settle in their new role as parents, and parents alone. Positive coparenting cannot happen if their are emotional ties that bind, anger, or trauma that has not been resolved. Which leads me to my next topic…
COPARENTING COUNSELING
I am going to give a massively huge WOOO HOOOO for so many state and courts now making coparenting counseling mandatory. When I went through coparenting counseling with my daughter’s dad, I admit, I was scared, apprehensive, and did not know what it would bring. Let me tell you, it was one of the best things we ever did. From the beginning of coparenting counseling the first thing you are told and learn somewhat reflects the above; you as parents are now in the BUSINESS of raising happy, healthy children. As business partners, there are boundaries that are put in place, which protect the parents and the children. Almost always, at this stage, there are still one or both parties who are still emotionally attached to the other parent as if part of them were still married. Coparenting counseling does a wonderful job of providing the foundation to move past this so the parents can move on to doing just that, being parents. I will be honest, this one isn’t easy, but the reward is far beyond what can ever be seen. The examples that I could share could go on for days, but once you get to the point where you are strictly just parents, the two parties are free to live their lives, free of any binding chains from the marriage. The parents are no longer bound to one another in any way, and bear only a responsibility to their children.
WEDDING BELLS! BRING IN THE STEPPARENTS.
Jack met Sally; Jack and Sally get married; Jack and Sally now have a blended family.
Here we go with another high sensitive topic. The truth about this situation is that ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL. I have learned from experience, you cannot compare one coparenting and blended family relationship to another, as I am a living witness that you can live on both sides of the fence. I do know with certainty, what makes the difference.
For the healthy coparenting relationship that is thriving, all parties are healed, there are no emotional bonds, healthy boundaries are naturally there, time has passed, and the focus for all parties is simply that of the kids and making sure they are happy, healthy, and whole (which is always the goal). This sets stepparents up for success immediately out the gate. As in my situation, you will often see the mom and stepmom having an open, trusting relationship, as well as the dad and stepdad. Trust me when I say, that nothing makes my daughter more proud that knowing her mom and stepmom, love one another, and also knowing no matter where she is and what is going on, she has four parents, linked arm and arm, sitting by one another and cheering her on. NOW, this doesn’t mean we are taking family vacations together. While stepmom and I can 100% spend time together, I personally feel that could blur lines for the child, cause confusion, and not to mention cross those boundaries that were once established, however, I do know some families do such things together. Again, one size doesn’t fit all, and if that works for you, great!
For the more contentious relationship between the natural parents, I can’t even call it coparenting, because it’s not. For so many years working in family law, I saw how nasty divorces can truly be and sometimes, when things are so nasty, the parties cannot just walk away unscathed. That takes time and often professional help to process, and if it isn’t processed, it is like a ball that keeps rolling, until enough time has passed. The ball has crashed at the bottom of the mountain and now just has no where to go. At this point, any chance of a healthy coparenting relationship has passed by, because usually this is years later. Bring a stepparent into this situation…. oh boy. All I am going to say is that the stepparent is in for the ride of their life. They better have their seatbelt on, and be ready for some hard years. This is usually where you see the situation of (a) they love too much and they are overstepping or (b) they don’t love them enough. My advice for the stepparent in this situation, take care of you and get counseling for yourself! I have always been the biggest advocate for therapy, and I promise you, since the day I stepped into a role as a stepparent, I have maintained my therapy. Also, if you are a stepparent in this situation, remember, your home is your home. Your home consists of you, your spouse, and the children. You and your spouse make the rules in your home and you and your spouse determine how your house is managed. It can be a very exhausting road, which is why therapy is so important. Take care of you. Time will eventually pass, or the natural parents will somehow figure out how to work together. In the mean time, take care of you and your mental health.
IN A NUTSHELL
In a nutshell… divorce isn’t easy and coparenting is not always easy, especially at first. Time does heal all wounds, but who suffers while time passes… the kids. I tried to host a small group for bonus moms earlier in the year, but it was such as hard space to sit. I recently was asked by someone at church if I still had the group and if it stayed in tact, and the answer was no, however I do feel that is because everyone’s situation is different. If you have found yourself in a rough season of parenting/stepparenting/coparenting, my advice would be to seek counseling and seek Jesus. While the Bible doesn’t specifically have things to say about our situation, we do know that the Lord’s plan for our life is good, He will not leave us, He will not forsake us, and the Lord wants us to live in peace. The same goes for our kiddos too!
I hope this helps someone or sheds light that you are not alone. Whether you are on the mountain or in the valley, just stay focused, and don’t forget to take care of yourself. I have also provided a link below for a helpful resource. Just click on the book and it will take you directly to my Amazon link.
God Bless,
~ Stace
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